Umbrella's
by spikeobsessed
Summary: Spike and Xander chat at Buffy's house when they're stuck alone together. Just a load of funny banter about, you guessed it, umbrella's. Oh, and some nice umbrella related violence. :)


Umbrella's.  
  
This was Hell. Spike had come to see Buffy and been wheedled into staying a while with Xander and Dawn, who were otherwise alone. It turned out that Xander had been appointed the task of babysitter whilst Buffy was out doing Slayer stuff. So now Spike was stuck there with them after Dawn had pleaded for him to stay until her sister arrived home. They had been sat in an awkward silence for 5 minutes before he spoke.  
  
"School alright?" he asked uninterestedly. Dawn came to life, springing into a story about something which had happened in last period with an ending only a schoolchild could appreciate. Xander gave a sympathy laugh, but Spike couldn't be bothered. "Fabulous." he drawled and looked at the clock on the wall, finding an excuse to get rid of both of them. "Innit time you went to bed?" he queried, nodding to the time. Dawn sighed heavily and conceded it was. She had been up for half an hour later than she had promised already. After giving a very reluctant Spike a hug and Xander a quick kiss on the cheek, she bounded upstairs to write in her diary.  
  
Now to get rid of Xander.  
  
"Right, I'll see y', then." the vampire motioned for Xander to leave as soon as she had disappeared.  
  
"No, I'm staying," he informed him with a tone of importance "Got something urgent to tell Buffy." Spike groaned inwardly. Why couldn't he just bugger off?  
  
"Well if it's that urgent why don't you just go find her?" he prodded.  
  
"Nah, I'll wait," Xander was seemingly oblivious to the fact that Spike was practically pushing him out the door "Besides, it's raining outside."  
  
"Get an umbrella." Spike suggested, standing up.  
  
"An umbrella?"  
  
"Yeah, y'know, long metal pole with water-proof material on the end," he patronised "Keeps y' dry from the rain." Xander narrowed his eyes.  
  
"I know what one is," he snapped, also standing. "It's just - when was the last time you saw a guy with one?" Spike considered this for a moment.  
  
"Well in Dawson's Creek the other day -"  
  
"No!" Xander cut him off testily "I mean real guys."  
  
"Not like the cast of Dawson's who are obviously fake guys." the vampire retorted, his accented voice dripping with elaborate sarcasm.  
  
"You know what I mean," Xander ignored the last few comments he and Spike had made and got back on task. "Guys don't use them."  
  
"I think it's unfair to assume that just 'cause you'd rather get wet than use an umbrella," Spike began slowly. "That the rest of the male population would, too."  
  
"Well do you use one?"  
  
"Touche."  
  
Three minutes passed with both guys in silence before Spike started up again, determind to prove that his view was definitely right and the other was definitely wrong.  
  
"But I'm technically dead." he argued, thinking back to the last thing Xander had said. Xander groaned loudly and shook his head.  
  
"What does that matter?" he asked in an exasperated tone.  
  
"Well I don't think it's really necessary for me to use an umbrella," Spike explained in a matter-of-fact way. "'Cause I don't mind gettin' wet."  
  
"Neither do I." Xander protested with a frown.  
  
"Then off y' go." he goaded, knowing that if he stayed or left he had won. If he left, he had succeeded in getting him to leave, and if he stayed he'd have won part of the argument. Xander glared at him and sat down with a huff. Spike grinned. 1-0.  
  
"But dead things do use umbrella's, so you've no excuse." Xander backtracked again.  
  
"Dead things like what?" Spike asked pouring scorn on the idea that something of the un-dead would find use for one. Xander held up a hand in a 'give me a minute' gesture and set to thinking. Meanwhile, out in the hall, just behind them, a scaly hand was reaching for the handle to Dawn's green frog umbrella which was set against the wall.  
  
Spike rolled his eyes as he waited, already thinking of his victory speech, and turned to see what the situation was with the rain, only to see the brown scaly demon stood there.  
  
"I know what dead thing uses umbrella's!" Xander exclaimed excitedly and sprang to his feet. Spike stepped back to him "Look like that?" he muttered and motioned to the creature before them. Xander gulped noisily.  
  
"Not what I was gonna choose, but still," he watched as Spike turned to him, a look of disbelief on his face that when faced with danger he was still going on. "It proves my point." Suddenly the demon threw the novelty umbrella at them with deadly force, the sharp point above the frog's eyes heading for Xander's face. The guys split up, but just at the last minute, Spike grabbed the strange weapon from the air. He glanced distractedly at it and frowned. Dawn actually went out in public with this thing? Why not just get a normal black one?  
  
"What do you want?" he demanded in an authoratative voice, brandishing the weapon as Xander took position behind him again. The demon growled something in the back of his throat, mixing in clicks and nods to form it's weird language.  
  
"She's not here." Spike replied evenly. Xander couldn't believe it.  
  
"You understand that thing?" he whispered.  
  
"Yeah, I had a couple of 'em workin' for me back in the good ol' days," he breathed sharply. "I also know that they have good hearin' so why am I still whisperin'?" Another series of clicks and growls was thrown at the vampire, who translated for Xander. "He wants to know when the Slayer'll be back." he informed him before answering. "We dunno, soon I reckon." The thing stepped forwards and said something else, once again Spike translated. "He says he'll just have to kill us instead so he can feed him family with our corpses."  
  
"Oh," Xander started "What?!"  
  
Spike launched the green plastic umbrella through the air towards the huge demon and watched it's flight in the direction of the thing's chest. The sharp point bounced off uselessly and the vampire paused a second before pushing past Xander and bolting into the kitchen, who hesitated and, with a small yelp, followed him, slamming the door shut.  
  
"Why'd you run?" he demanded in a scolding tone. Spike looked at him as if he was insane.  
  
"'Cause the only weapon we had in there was an ugly frog umbrella, genius," he retorted and pointed to the things around them "Whereas in here we have a lovely selection of knives and the like." Xander glanced about and grabbed the nearest one, only to have it taken from his hand and thrown in the general direction of the sink. "Give me a break, y'couldn't cut butter with that," he handed him a large cleaving knife which looked straight from a horror movie. "This one'll actually make a difference." Xander glared at him and was about to reply when the kitchen door burst off it's hinges and the huge demon, which Spike remembered to be called a Kloystre, shuffled awkwardly through. The vampire gave it a quick once over before smiling.  
  
"It's injured," he informed Xander, who was moving backwards "Check it's leg." He peered down at the thick stubby leg and saw what Spike was talking about, it had a big chunk missing from it's calf and thigh. "You go left, I go right." Spike whispered, so quietly Xander only just heard so the Kloystre couldn't, and the pair moved to their appointed sides. The demon leapt forwards and immediately went for Spike, wanting to take out the stronger of them so he left the weaker defenseless, and grabbed the vampire by the scruff of his neck as he turned to dodge. Spike managed to choke out a few choice curses as the life was squeezed out of him before realising he best get to the whole getting saved thing.  
  
"Xa-" he croaked "Leg - sta'," the sentence ended in a gurgle, but luckily Xander caught the general meaning and shot forwards, stabbing the Kloystre in it's injured leg. The thing howled in pain and dropped Spike unceremoniously to the floor.  
  
The fight had strayed back into the living room, where it was now coming to an end, with the odds stacked against the brown demon. It was one against four; the Kloystre vs Spike, Xander, and their knives. The thing, not fataly injured, went for one last attack, but was sent reeling back by a perfect roundhouse kick to the chest from Spike. The thing fell like a tree and landed with a grunt on it's back.  
  
"Well that wasn't fun." Xander said dryly and let his knife drop to the floor, stained with a glowing pink goo which had come from the creature's broad back Spike muttered something, but stopped halfway through and nudged Xander's arm.  
  
"Somethin's movin' in it's stomach." he informed him in a creepy whisper. The two watched in disgust as something pushed against the inside of the Kloystre's stomach. Xander was reminded of the film Alien and took a wary step back. He didn't want an alien to jump out and latch onto his face all that much and he wasn't going to take any chances. "What do y' reckon it is?"  
  
Xander kept his alien theory to himself and simply shrugged. Suddenly, a green thing popped out, showering them both with pink goo, and causing them both to cry out.  
  
"It's an alien!" Xander screamed, grabbing onto Spike's arm involountarily. The vampire shook him off impatiently and stepped towards the strange thing covered in goo.  
  
"No," he smiled sadistically, shaking his head in disbelief. "It can't be." The thing protuding from the Kloystre's stomach sprang open and Xander was able to make out a pair of plastic eyes surrounded by green.  
  
"That's sick." he complained, feeling sick, and turned away. Spike on the other hand was finding this situation strangely amusing.  
  
"It's Dawn's umbrella!" he exclaimed with a short laugh. Then he stopped. "That's sick."  
  
Xander was scurrying around, madly trying to clean up the mess they had made of Buffy's front room, when Spike started up a running commentary to the programme he was watching on television as he was obviously not going to help.  
  
"Get this," he chuckled dryly "An 'expert' on vampires is sayin' that garlic don't do squat." He laughed sharply as Xander turned to look at him.  
  
"It doesn't, does it?" he queried confusedly, thinking along the same lines as Dr Whats-her-face.  
  
"'Course it does!" Spike exclaimed, as if he had just suggested that the sky was made of granite rock. "Our skin's extremely allergic to the stuff," he stressed "This guy stuck some in my gob once and lemme tell y', it ain't somethin' I'd care to repeat." Xander shrugged.  
  
"This Dr Whatever made any other mistakes?" he asked, stepping over the corpse in the middle of the floor, dangerously close to Spike's outstretched feet.  
  
"Yeah," he smiled to himself "She said that we can't go out in the rain."  
  
"That'd be a drag." Xander sighed before, unable to contain himself, continued in the kind of sarcastic voice usually adopted by the other. "But I s'pose you could always use an umbrella."  
  
"Nah," Spike grinned "Guys don't use umbrella's." He paused whilst Xander rolled his eyes in exasperation before giving the demon a kick "Well, most guys." 


End file.
